beckyh2112: (Green Lantern: Rage and Fear)
( Aug. 24th, 2011 10:38 pm)
Man, lately, I've just been completely out of my head. A very large chunk of it has to be all the fretting and getting ready for Dragon*Con. The way I'm mentally counting down on all the stuff I have still to do on my costume plus making lists of things I need to pack, it's a wonder I can manage to do my job and make RP posts.

Still, it's really kind of frustrating to be unable to focus on writing anything. There's stuff in my head, but I'm just constantly bouncing around from thought to thought. I want to finish the non-AtLA mini-meme, I want to do a Frenzy meme, I want to work on my auction fics, I want to do a kink meme fill, I want to do something with Breakdown, I want to write apps, I want to work on Judecca, and I just can't muster up the effort to do any one of those things.
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Even with the anti-depressants, I'm having to remind myself the current feeling of being in a hole is a) mostly because of headache and hormones, and b) not as bad as it used to be. I mean, my god, I am functional enough to make dinner. This is a miracle.
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beckyh2112: (HP: Admitting You're An Asshole)
( Mar. 13th, 2011 12:46 am)
I have been writing so very much these last few months, but hardly any of it is anything I can show people. Stupid long stories. Stupid anonymous exchanges. It's frustrating to be making so much but feeling like I have nothing to show for it because I can't post any of it.

Also, work is basically trying to burn me down to cinders. This is not helping with getting anything done. This is the very definition of counter-productive towards getting anything done.
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Starting today and applying hence forward and not retroactively, I may only buy a new book when I have finished reading an old book. Also, I may not buy a new book unless it is a) in-store, or b) when I have enough accumulated books to use Amazon/B&N Online/Borders Online's free shipping over $25 order thing.

ETA: This also applies to buying ebooks.

Also, my measuring point is "Spacehounds of IPC" onwards in the book log.
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beckyh2112: (Handful of Quails)
( Dec. 18th, 2010 04:01 pm)
The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.


I rarely talk about my faith on here. It is personal, deeply so, and unlike some of my other deeply personal facts of life, it doesn't harm me.

This is my mother talking about Christian love. This is worth reading, because this is the faith I was raised with, and this is the faith I have remained with after venturing into other faiths. It is what fits me.
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beckyh2112: (Glasswing)
( Oct. 5th, 2010 05:10 pm)
I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of burnout. It takes all my effort to avoid coming apart at the seams during work, and when I come home, I'm just exhausted and empty. I need to get reference pictures for Long Feng together for an artist I commissioned, and I can't even focus on that, much less on my writing.
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beckyh2112: (Ballerina At Rest)
( Sep. 29th, 2010 10:24 am)
My grandmother died last night. She had a good, long life, and it's almost a relief for her not to be suffering anymore. But she was my grandmother, my closest grandmother.
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beckyh2112: (SGU: Worst Day Since Yesterday)
( Sep. 20th, 2010 06:48 pm)
Since apparently it's getting towards that time of year.

[livejournal.com profile] happy_trekmas and [livejournal.com profile] sga_santa, for those of you into those fandoms.

-

I really need to be petted and told I'm loved right now.
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I would love to live forever. Not the shitty kind of immortality vampires have, but an actual true, unaging immortality. Even the kind where you can suffer all the pain of horrible wounds and diseases and not die would be amazing.

There's so much in the world I still haven't seen, so many things I haven't done. I want the time to do it all, to see it all.

This would be me, really.
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beckyh2112: (Ballerina At Rest)
( Aug. 17th, 2010 06:02 pm)
I miss having a cat to curl up with and cuddle.
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beckyh2112: (Ani: Blasting Starscream)
( Jul. 21st, 2010 03:21 pm)
You don't want a subscription. I don't want a subscription.

But right now...
- I don't want to read fanfiction from Order of the Lotus because I am snarly over the mod singling out one of the fics to say "this one is extra good".
- I am very wary of The Legend of Korra because of spoilers )
- I am snarly at a number of people on Rin's meme for asking her to write my 'verses. At least one of them I need to build a bridge and get over because it's a concept we've both played with. At least one of them was very definitely a case of asking her to write something mine because they forgot it was mine. And the third has me growling as it is using a specific thing that is identical to one of my far too personal AUs, and maybe they mean for Rin to do her own thing with it, but...
- I am astonishingly bored by work. Also, we've lost half a dozen tellers in the last two months.
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beckyh2112: (SGU: Worst Day Since Yesterday)
( Apr. 19th, 2010 08:33 am)
Thank you to everyone for your kind words yesterday. I probably won't be able to respond to you individually for a while yet; just looking at that entry hurts.

When the year turned around to 2010, I knew this would be a year of endings for me. I just didn't think it would be that ending, as well.

I am going to keep working on my projects. Everything's probably going to wobble for a while, but I need at least that to focus on.

I'm still alive. Now I need to figure out how to live again.
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beckyh2112: (LotR: Ecstatic Elrond)
( Apr. 18th, 2010 02:36 pm)
Tomorrow's my birthday.

Today, my parents had to take my Sheba cat to the vet, because she finally reached the tipping point last night. She'd had four seizures in the past twelve hours.

They brought her home just now. Mom's going to bury her in the corner of the yard.

I can't find my tears. Why can't I find them?

ETA: Now I'm crying.

We buried her in the other corner from her brother. I started crying when my dad laid her little towel-wrapped body in the grave.
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beckyh2112: (Jacobs Ship Beastie)
( Apr. 6th, 2010 10:49 pm)
Finished writing all of my Jeeko Week fics. Huzzah! Since I've been kind of running crazy on my writing for the past two weeks, it feels real nice to have an opportunity to kerflop.

So! Going to rest, recharge, get the new Dresden Files book, read, and generally take it easy until the weekend. Might poke at my memes; I'm trying to get more of the anti-whump Zuko meme written before I turn major attention to the AU meme. On the other hand, given my current mood, the AU meme is more suitable for writing on.

That's assuming I do any writing at all over the next few days. I'll figure out what my weekend priorities are when it's, y'know, closer to the weekend.

Random short fiction recs!
- BLIT by David Langford, in which a bird-like fractal kills people
- True Love Rare by Lyn Cannady, in which a zombie cowboy helps someone fix their car
- Dying With Her Cheer Pants On by Seanan McGuire, in which a cheerleader saves the world from alien invasion
beckyh2112: (Aries)
( Apr. 6th, 2010 04:41 pm)
I'm half-inclined to meander on about my life right now, but mostly I'm just melancholy. Too many reminders of dying and death - I'm going to write about Alcestis tomorrow, which is where some of it is coming from. Some of it's just life, the endless drag of work, and on-again/off-again need to cope with depression. Which is on again, if you hadn't noticed.

It's definitely affecting my writing. This is turning out to be a rather weird ship week as far as my usual run of stories goes.
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beckyh2112: (Default)
( Mar. 13th, 2010 12:40 pm)
I've decided to start tithing. I have a steady income, I am setting money aside for my retirement in the company's IRA plans, I am making my rent and utilities easily. So I'm going to start donating money to charities that focus on causes I feel strongly about - humanitarian relief and infrastructure building, education, sexual education and women's rights.
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I seem to have the worst luck with people defaulting or flaking on me. Or just plain not responding. Or saying they sent the thing, but it never arrived here, and hey, that's not their problem.

Currently close to crying again. Stop telling me my money isn't worth anything. It's all I've got to give.
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beckyh2112: (TFG1: Kill Them All)
( Mar. 8th, 2010 07:08 pm)
I'm extremely volatile after a horrible day. If I don't burst into tears sometime tonight, it'll be a miracle.
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beckyh2112: (Rage; Vampires)
( Feb. 21st, 2010 07:32 pm)
If you will not give someone respect because they believe in a religion you don't, then you know what? You're part of the problem.

ETA: Clarification, since I am not very articulate when angry.
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beckyh2112: (LotR: Ecstatic Elrond)
( Jan. 26th, 2010 11:11 am)
I have to go to work in ten minutes, so apparently I'm going to write a rambling journal entry complaining about things. Of course, this is my lj, and I have always reserved the right to say whatever I want on my own lj. In fact, one of the ways to get into a massive screaming argument with me is to try to tell me what I should and should not post on my lj.

Anyone who has actually lived through getting into a massive screaming argument with me knows that isn't something anyone wants to deal with.

But I'm just tired. I don't know, maybe it's work creeping into my fan-life instead of the other way around, but I'm finding a lot of what's going on in fandom right now extremely tiresome.

The idiots who can't grasp that no one is going to break their fingers for watching the upcoming AtLA movie even if some of us think the way it's handled casting and design is atrocious. They're just the ones I can point fingers at, because the rest of the people wearying me read my journal, and I don't want to get into fights.

But, you know, I think it's time for me to back off from fandom participation for a bit. Keep doing what I'm doing in various things - finishing commissions, completing memes, writing my own stories and posting them. But no starting anything new on the commissions or memes fronts.

If I don't, I'm going to kill the spark. I've done that before, and it's never pleasant.

I wish Transformers had something cool coming out for me to get excited about.
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Rebecca Hb.

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