Optimus should have died. He thinks that sometimes, when the Magnus hammer is heavy in his hands, when Megatron's smile gets so sharp, when every person speaking to him has a crisis that only he can fix.

Dying would have been easier than being Magnus.

He can't defrag a lot of the time. There's too many things that need to be done and too little time to do them all in. So he skimps, even though Ratchet tells him he's a fool for doing so.

He's Magnus. He has to keep going.

It gets harder, though, and Megatron's smile gets so sharp it cuts.

Forever and a day ago, Sentinel would have hauled him off to defrag and slapped him down whenever he tried to skimp. But Sentinel hates him now, not as bad as he hates Decepticons or organics, but still plenty bad enough.

On the ship, he would have set a good example for the crew. But they're gone now, mostly. Ratchet stays around but only just. Prowl is dead. Bumblebee and Bulkhead are taking on the universe.

Prowl is dead.

There are slashes on Optimus's hands, and he has no idea how they got there.

Being Magnus is killing him.

"Rest," someone says one night, hand on his shoulder, and the voice doesn't register with Optimus until the next morning.

Prowl is dead.

"You should rest too," he says to the empty office, feeling slightly foolish.

The bare edge of a chuckle drifts across him, but the next time he pushes himself too far, the voice is back telling him to rest.